Men are just men...

I love it when she cleans the house. I consider it a symbol of who is right.

It is self-affirmation. It is like drawing a borderline between men and women. That is why I am so happy when she cleans the house. It is good the way it is.

So, whenever I watch her clean, I think: “It is so great to be a man”.

Men are perfect creatures. In 10 minutes I can easily take a shower and get dressed. I can open all the tins with preserves and all the cans with marmalade. I can urinate my name in the snow. If I am a man, I can eat bananas and lick ice cream without attracting necessary attention. Nobody stares at my breasts during a conversation.

And… what are the advantages of being a man in a marriage? None!

I remember, a month after I our wedding, I decided to get together with old friends, party, get drunk and do other ‘man stuff’. Before going out I told my wife:

“Love, I am going out, I’ll be back soon”.

“So, where are you going?” she asked.

“To a bar, sweetheart. To get a couple of beers”, I explained.

“Oh, you want some beer?” she responded.

Then she opened the fridge and showed me 37 different cans of beer from 29 countries of the world: Japan, India, Austria, Germany, Czech Republic, Hungary, Guatemala, China, Slovenia, Bulgaria, Macedonia, Russia, Azerbaijan…

Well, I was a bit lost so I said the first thing that came to my mind:

“Oh, it is all very nice, honey. But in bars they serve beer in cold glasses. I like it that way”.

I didn’t even have time to finish my sentence, because she already had an answer:

“My love, so you want a cold glass?” she asked while taking a chilled glass out of the freezer. She even shuddered while picking it up – I could see goose bumps on her skin.

I was not going to loose so I continued:

“But baby, they have nice snacks in bars. All kinds of snacks. I love the way they crunch when you eat them. I will not be long. I promise. Can I just go?” I desperately continued.

Yes, it was not the end!

“Oh, so my dearest husband wants some snacks? All kinds of crunchy snacks?” she continued while opening the kitchen cabinet.

I was almost buried underneath the avalanche of chips, peanuts, raisins, almonds and other nuts…

“Here! Now you can have everything: cold beer to smash, served in a chilled mug along with crunchy snacks on a saucer”, concluded my wife.

“But, my love, my honey, my sweetheart, in the bars, men can swear, yell and discuss different nasty things!”

My love, my sweetheart cynically responded:

“So you wanna listen to nasty conversations of jerks and be a jerk yourself! Idiot! Is this what you want?! Then drink your fucking beer from your fucking chilled glass! Eat your fucking crunchy snacks! It is about time for you to understand that you are a married man and you are not going anywhere today! What part of it are you not getting?” she yelled.

Sure enough, I didn’t go anywhere. I have everything at home. Still I am asking myself, what use of being a man?!

The only thing: I have a prostate and can urinate my name in the snow.

By: Benjamin Sarajlić